Tag: santa

Ewe bed err war shout
Ewe bed err knock rye
Ewe bed err notch out
I’m telling you eye
Sand two glosses car mint to town

He’s may king’ll list
Shaking it wise
Khan a fine tout who’s
Gnaw tea and ice
Sand two glosses car mint to town

He seize hue in yours leaping
He no swan euro ache
He no sieve you’ve bin batter could
Soapy good fur could nose ache

Ewe bed err war shout
Ewe bed err knock rye
Ewe bed err notch out
I’m telling you eye
Sand two glosses car mint to town

(Previously.)

Climbing down your chimney with a bagful of opinions slung on his back. (Previously.)

You better not think
Of greeting this guy
You better look busy
I’m telling you why:
Ranter Claus is coming to town

He’s making a list
Of assholes and fools
And all the wrong things
They’re teaching in schools
Ranter Claus is coming to town

Preventing you from sleeping
He runs his mouth all night
You can never get him to shut up
Even if you say he’s right

So find someone who
Has time on his hands
Or some poor slob you can
Run faster than
Ranter Claus is coming to town

(Previously.)

Better late than never: your annual bit of Santa humor. (Previously.)

You better light up
And point to the sky
The candy-cane signal
I’m telling you why:
Santa-Man is needed in town

The Selfishness Squad
Has launched an attack
The Army and Air Force
Can’t hold them back
Santa-Man is needed in town

He swoops in on his jet sleigh
He launches lots of toys
The evildoers soon are trapped
In a mob of girls and boys

His sidekicks are elves
They help in a pinch
His archnemesis is
Someone named Grinch
Santa-Man is needed in town

(Previously.)

Presenting this year’s entry. (Previously.)

The guy in this song hasn’t visited our house yet, but I can’t imagine it’ll be much longer.

You better have doubt
You better ask why
And think it all out
I’m telling you why:
Skepticlaus is coming to town

He hasn’t a list
That wouldn’t make sense
All the world’s kids?
That would be immense
Skepticlaus is coming to town

He sees you when you’re with him
And doesn’t when you’re not
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
If you tell him, or you’re caught

Reindeer that fly?
Or is it a hoax?
Which is more likely?
Don’t ask your folks
Skepticlaus is coming to town

(Previously.)

You didn’t think I was going to leave you hanging, did you? It’s a little late in the season but here’s my annual reimagining of a popular seasonal song.

You better not look
You better not leer
Your best bet is getting the
Hell out of here
Santa Claus is wearing a gown

He’s batting his eyes
And pursing his lips
Walking in heels
And swinging his hips
Santa Claus is wearing a gown

When Mrs. Claus is sleeping
He sneaks into her clothes
He calls some elves in a girlish voice
And they paint each other’s toes

When Christmas is done
The year is so long
He passes the time
In drag — that so wrong?
Santa Claus is wearing a gown

(Previously.)

It’s the time of year when I dream up new lyrics for a Christmas classic!

You better not pout
You better not cry
Your tears might confuse its
Robotic eye
Santatron is coming to town

The first Santa Claus’s
Body’s long gone
The new metal one will
Last an eon
Santatron is coming to town

It knows when you are sleeping
It reads what’s in your head
Its detecting network’s sensitive
From UV through infrared

Its thirty-two limbs
Are state-of-the-art
Its thorax holds Santa’s
Still-beating heart
Santatron is coming to town

(Previously.)

I know I wrote that it’s Christmastime now, but hearing my first Christmas jingles of the season yesterday (at the supermarket when foraging for lunch) got my blood up anyway, and inspired me to compose yet another version of an old favorite.

You better watch out
You better go hide
You better not shout
Or venture outside
Santa Claus is coming to town

He’s packing some heat
And wearing a vest
His posse of elves
Will root out your nest
Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you through a window
His scope is infrared
If you dive behind that lump of coal
You just might not wind up dead

So get outta Dodge
Don’t stay to talk trash
Get on a bus
Pay only with cash
Santa Claus is coming to town

(Previously.)

Thanksgiving is over, which means it’s Christmastime (really, just ask your neighborhood retailers), which means it’s time to post this original composition from Christmastime 2002.

It’s OK to pout
It’s OK to cry
It’s OK to shout
I’m tellin’ you why
Santa Claus ain’t comin’ to town

He’s puking his guts
And hocking up phlegm
His elves are afraid
He’s contagious to them
Santa Claus ain’t comin’ to town

His temperature is rising
His sheets are soaked with sweat
His face is in the toilet bowl
And he’s not done ralphing yet

So,
If you don’t get gifts
Don’t grimace or scowl
Be thankful that you can
Still move your bowel
Santa Claus ain’t comin’ to town