A holiday tradition

You didn’t think I was going to leave you hanging, did you? It’s a little late in the season but here’s my annual reimagining of a popular seasonal song.

You better not look
You better not leer
Your best bet is getting the
Hell out of here
Santa Claus is wearing a gown

He’s batting his eyes
And pursing his lips
Walking in heels
And swinging his hips
Santa Claus is wearing a gown

When Mrs. Claus is sleeping
He sneaks into her clothes
He calls some elves in a girlish voice
And they paint each other’s toes

When Christmas is done
The year is so long
He passes the time
In drag — that so wrong?
Santa Claus is wearing a gown

(Previously.)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

It’s the time of year when I dream up new lyrics for a Christmas classic!

You better not pout
You better not cry
Your tears might confuse its
Robotic eye
Santatron is coming to town

The first Santa Claus’s
Body’s long gone
The new metal one will
Last an eon
Santatron is coming to town

It knows when you are sleeping
It reads what’s in your head
Its detecting network’s sensitive
From UV through infrared

Its thirty-two limbs
Are state-of-the-art
Its thorax holds Santa’s
Still-beating heart
Santatron is coming to town

(Previously.)

I could do this all day

I know I wrote that it’s Christmastime now, but hearing my first Christmas jingles of the season yesterday (at the supermarket when foraging for lunch) got my blood up anyway, and inspired me to compose yet another version of an old favorite.

You better watch out
You better go hide
You better not shout
Or venture outside
Santa Claus is coming to town

He’s packing some heat
And wearing a vest
His posse of elves
Will root out your nest
Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you through a window
His scope is infrared
If you dive behind that lump of coal
You just might not wind up dead

So get outta Dodge
Don’t stay to talk trash
Get on a bus
Pay only with cash
Santa Claus is coming to town

(Previously.)

Greatest hits: Santa Claus ain’t comin’ to town

Thanksgiving is over, which means it’s Christmastime (really, just ask your neighborhood retailers), which means it’s time to post this original composition from Christmastime 2002.

It’s OK to pout
It’s OK to cry
It’s OK to shout
I’m tellin’ you why
Santa Claus ain’t comin’ to town

He’s puking his guts
And hocking up phlegm
His elves are afraid
He’s contagious to them
Santa Claus ain’t comin’ to town

His temperature is rising
His sheets are soaked with sweat
His face is in the toilet bowl
And he’s not done ralphing yet

So,
If you don’t get gifts
Don’t grimace or scowl
Be thankful that you can
Still move your bowel
Santa Claus ain’t comin’ to town