2005 saw the release of two star-studded big-budget action films that were unrelated other than that they both told the story of how a troubled young man, trained in combat and philosophy in part by Liam Neeson, grows into a fearsome alter ego who wears a black helmet, black armor, and a black cape. One of them sucked, and the other, Batman Begins, kicked ass.
That’s not to say it couldn’t have been improved in a couple of small ways. When Bruce Wayne is doing his carefree playboy act and the maître d’ complains to him that the pool in which his gorgeous model dates are splashing “is for decoration,” I really wanted him to confide to the maître d’, “So are the women” (instead of his lame quip, “Well, they’re European”). Although come to think of it, “So are the women” could be taken to mean, “I am gay.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but while Batman Begins offered a fresh perspective on many aspects of the Batman mythos, ambiguity about his sexual identity would have been taking things a little farther than I suspect audiences were prepared to go.
Next: there is a point in the film when Jim Gordon arrives at Arkham Asylum, where Batman is busy rescuing Rachel from The Scarecrow. Gordon sees a bunch of cops standing around outside and asks the chief, “What are you waiting for?” The chief responds, “Backup.” Impatient to act, Gordon runs in anyway. A short time later, Gordon is with Batman when he hears the sound of a zillion bats approaching. He asks, “What’s that?” and Batman says, “Backup.”
Here’s the improvement: instead of “What’s that?” Gordon again says, “What are you waiting for?” to Batman (as Batman pauses for a beat after he’s given Gordon some marching orders for helping Rachel), and Batman answers, “Backup,” exactly as in the earlier exchange, and Gordon again does not wait for the backup to arrive before leaping into action.
But as I wrote to my sister a few months after seeing Batman Begins, the best improvement of all “would have been a scene with Batman rescuing Katie Holmes in real life.”
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
TOM CRUISE and a spaced-out looking
KATIE HOLMES are involved in heavy
petting on the sofa in the penthouse
suite. Things progress until Katie,
under Tom's Svengali gaze, obediently
wriggles out of her panties.
TOM
Tonight is the night. You
will conceive my child.
Crash! The door splinters from its
frame under the weight of BATMAN's
boot. With a deft leap he swooshes
his cape between the two lovers. Tom
falls backward off the couch, naked,
in surprise. Katie appears to snap
out of a trance.
TOM
Batman!
BATMAN
This time you've gone too far,
Cruiser.
KATIE
(dawning horror)
You're "The Cruiser"?
Tom seems about to answer, then
launches himself feet-first into
Batman's chest, toppling both men to
the ground. Tom rolls deftly across
the room before Batman can recover.
He grabs an item from a dresser drawer
and whirls around with it. A gun? A
knife? No: it's the terrifying mask
of The Cruiser, vicious arch-nemesis
of Gotham's law-abiding citizens.
BATMAN
Katie, get out of here!
CRUISER
(donning mask)
Katie, stay!
Katie's paralyzed. The Cruiser comes
at Batman again, still naked but for
his mask. Batman defends himself but
can't land a blow on his amazingly
nimble enemy. Batman manages to shove
him across the room long enough to
dash back to the sofa and shake Katie
out of her paralysis.
BATMAN
Go!
The Cruiser regains his feet and
punches a hidden button. An entire
wall of the room rotates aside,
revealing The Cruiser's secret
laboratory -- and A DOZEN BURLY
HENCHMEN!
CRUISER
Cruiser Crew -- attack!
Batman now has a full-fledged melee on
his hands. Far from fleeing, it's the
best Katie can do to protect herself
from the fists and bodies flying
around the room. In the confusion,
The Cruiser grabs her arm and pulls
her roughly into a concealed escape
chute. Katie fights back but is no
match for the highly trained
action-star-slash-supercriminal.
KATIE
Stop it! Stop it!
INT. CHUTE - NIGHT
Katie and The Cruiser, both still
naked except for The Cruiser's mask,
slide in tandem down a spiral chute
leading from the top of the hotel down
to the street. The Cruiser presses a
switch hidden in his mask,
illuminating a strange glow in the
mask's eyes. He turns his masked gaze
on Katie. She immediately returns to
her earlier trance state.
CRUISER
You will conceive my
child. Now!
Hypnotized, Katie swings a leg over
The Cruiser's torso even as they
spiral downward together.
Unseen by either one, Batman drops
through the center of the spiral on
the end of a Batrope. He tosses a
Bat-grenade onto the chute,
obliterating a long section of it. At
the sound of the explosion, The
Cruiser looks away from Katie and sees
the smoking gap, which they are fast
approaching. He abandons his efforts
to penetrate her.
CRUISER
Oh no.
There is no way to stop, but that
doesn't stop The Cruiser from clawing
frantically at the smooth slide.
CRUISER
No! No! Xenu!
Batman dangles at the end of the
Batrope just beneath the gap. As The
Cruiser and Katie sail into space, he
deftly plucks Katie from the air and
allows The Cruiser to fall.
CRUISER
Noooooo...!
As he disappears into the darkness
below, only the mask's strange glow
remains. Then a crash and
silence... and the glow is gone.
CUT TO:
INT. OPRAH'S TALK SHOW - DAY
CHRISTIAN BALE is OPRAH's guest.
OPRAH
But how did you know that Tom
Cruise was really The Cruiser?
CHRISTIAN
There were little hints
everywhere -- the too-perfect,
vaguely artificial good looks;
the disproportionate power
over women; the gay rumors
designed to conceal the true
nature of Tom's contacts with
porn star Kyle Bradford, who's
really a genius chemist in the
criminal underworld. And I
knew that the chemicals that
gave The Cruiser his powers
would slowly destabilize his
mind, just as we've all seen.
OPRAH
(nodding)
What's going to happen to
Katie Holmes now?
CHRISTIAN
She's been through a lot, and
her rehabilitation is going to
take some time. Luckily I
reached her before it was too
late. The police now have
Bradford in custody and he's
cooperating with Bale
Enterprises to manufacture an
antidote. Plus Katie's
strong, and she's in the care
of the finest minds at the
Bale Institute of Mental
Health. I think we'll be able
to welcome Katie back to your
show in no time.
I know, picking on Tom Cruise these days is too easy and not entirely sporting, especially since Jonathan Coulton has done it better. Plus this is a bit more perverse than my usual imaginings. But what can I say? I just couldn’t keep this attempt at symbolism to myself:
Hypnotized, Katie swings a leg over The Cruiser’s torso even as they spiral downward together.